add arrow-down arrow-left arrow-right arrow-up authorcheckmark clipboard combo comment delete discord dots drag-handle dropdown-arrow errorfacebook history inbox instagram issuelink lock markup-bbcode markup-html markup-pcpp markup-cyclingbuilder markup-plain-text markup-reddit menu pin radio-button save search settings share star-empty star-full star-half switch successtag twitch twitter user warningwattage weight youtube

Thoughts of suicide.

tragiktimes101
  • 19 months ago

So...I've suffered from depression for a while. It's come with ups and downs. Most of it was stemmed from a deep-rooted anxiety which led to me making many bad decisions with both my family and my finances. A lot of this anxiety, stress, and depression stems from where I am and the lack of entertainment, good career paths, lack of quality education for my son. Now, recently I have made leaps and bounds dealing with it. I was able to put a great deal of progress with my anxiety oddly enough by taking LSD. I can't quite explain how it helped, but I was able to work through a lot of the issues that I had pushed out of conscious thought.

That being said, it was a tool among others in making steps towards putting this behind me. Recently, I have had an acute situation arise which brought back some of that anxiety. But, it wasn't near as bad as it had been in the past and I felt I was better able to put my nose to the grindstone and work towards solutions to the acute problem. And, that did work. My anxiety from the situation passed quite quickly, I felt good about working out a solution, and I think that I'm in a better place after this kind of event than I would have been a year ago.

So, I felt like talking to my mother about the situation. I told her how if I were here in the same place next year having made no progress, I'd want to put a bullet in my head. She....was not happy. I went on to tell her I've felt like this off and on for a few years now and that I'd not told her to spare her feelings. Now, I'd like to say I NEVER intend to kill myself. That's not the point. I wasn't saying it to be metaphorical, and I wasn't saying to get a reaction from her. I was saying it because I do occasionally feel like that. That's not to say that I don't want to live far more than I want to die (I actually want to live forever - nanites - for another discussion). But, I don't feel like most people go through life 20% wanting to die and 80% wanting to live. I tried to elaborate this to elaborate this to her, and I think she understood where I was coming from. The call ended well.

Fast forward to me talking with my wife....Now, she'd known I've felt this way in the past. But, she asked what I talked to my mother about and I openly told her, and I told her I feel a lot better for getting that off my chest. She did not take it well. She calls me selfish for feeling that way and wished I wouldn't have told her. Now, I get that the act of suicide is selfish in a way, especially if you have a child like I do. But, I don't feel like 'thinking' of suicide is selfish. I was just being honest with how I felt. Now we are in a pretty big fight. She doesn't want me to talk with her anymore tonight. I have to be honest here, I lost a lot of respect for her reaction. I completely understand nobody wants to hear this from their significant other, but wouldn't it be better to hear about it and help them work through it or understand where it comes from rather than jsut not talk about it at all? I don't know...I'm conflicted.

Has anyone here (if open to talk about it) had similar feelings? Have you talked with friends or family about it? If so, how did the talk go and do you feel better for having had it?

Important note: I have no intentions of killing myself.

Comments

  • 19 months ago
  • 4 points

I guess a lot of people would be reluctant to talk about any of their suicidal thoughts if they had any because it's public

  • 19 months ago
  • 1 point

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

  • 19 months ago
  • 3 points

I think it’s fine to try and talk about such things with your wife whenever she’s up for it. However, for future reference, I don’t think you should be so open about it with your child.

  • 19 months ago
  • 1 point

However, for future reference, I don’t think you should be so open about it with your child.

My sons three and I didn't talk about it around him. Not sure where that came from to be 100% honest, lol.

  • 19 months ago
  • 2 points

I had a friend once who’s father told him things like that. Didn’t turn out well.

  • 19 months ago
  • 2 points

I wouldn't put a burden like that on my son.

  • 19 months ago
  • 1 point

:)

  • 19 months ago
  • 3 points

I have to say, the way you explained your feelings resonates deeply with me, and it's not an easy thing to be able to admit and discuss, so I have to commend you for not only sharing these thoughts with your mother and wife, but also posting it openly on a forum here.

I've had conversations about my own internal thoughts and feelings. I almost committed suicide when I was younger, but chose not to at the last second. No one knew about it until years later when I talked about it to my mom and current girlfriend. I'm overwhelmingly glad I didn't take the step off the ledge that day (literally) and I'm here to talk about it today, but my conversations went a bit differently than it sounds like yours did. I still have certain amounts of anxiety, depression, and maladaptive behaviors that I'm still working on. It's an ongoing work in progress, but then we all have things to improve upon.

When I spoke with my mom, she was mostly upset and saddened. She's been the pillar of support during both my childhood and adulthood, and she's been nurturing and caring throughout my entire life. She was mostly just sad that she never really knew that I was suffering, although I admit that was mostly a result of my suppressing and masking from everyone else. My mom was very grateful that I was willing to share my thoughts and history, given how difficult it can be to speak about these sorts of things.

My girlfriend also suffers from numerous different things, definitively worse than my own, and so being able to have a conversation about it was something of a familiar topic to the both of us. I'm very lucky to have her as she takes care of me and can help ease my own struggles. I hope I'm able to and have been support her through her own hardships. We talk about depression and anxiety very regularly, so it's not as uncomfortable a topic for the two of us.

For someone who may have never encountered or experienced these kinds of thoughts, it may come across as selfish at first glance. Some people don't understand the notion of weighing your own life against how difficult it can be to carry on every day. They may simply resign suicide to "well they're just killing themself to avoid dealing with things, and that's a selfish and cheap way out." This notion doesn't recognize nor acknowledge how the individual is feeling, as the person calling it selfish is imposing their own evaluation of worth. Realistically, the person calling it selfish is thinking only from a selfish perspective. Now there's something to be said of people who are edgy/overemotional/attention seeking, but distinguishing when people aren't truly suffering from those who are actually undergoing such a traumatic and damaging time is much more nuanced and unique per each individual. I wouldn't say it's wrong to have these thoughts and feelings, as long as they are legitimate and you're willing and capable of putting equally legitimate time and effort into thinking things through thoroughly it as well.

Not sure if I answered the question here, but just as a reflective moment and elaboration on my own experiences. I'm always open to chat to anyone about things, so anyone and everyone is open to drop me a line if they want someone to talk to :)

  • 19 months ago
  • 3 points

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night." -Nietzsche

The act is selfish. Thinking about it... it's dark escapism. It can also be motivational through perspective: how would your son get along without you? Your coworkers? ...Your wife? Not taking the easy way out, but instead using that darkness to push yourself is hard.

Depression itself is an illness; even if you are coping, it may be that you need professional medical help to really take control back over your mind. Whether that's counseling, medication, lifestyle changes, whatever is between you and your doctor. Some methods of anxiety control and introspection, such as meditation or keeping a journal, can also help.

As far as your wife, you did the right thing by being open. Her reaction is unfortunately common when it comes to dealing with these types of mental issues. You can't entirely help how you feel, and neither can she entirely control her shock and anger. Don't let the subject drop though; reassure her that you don't want to feel like this, you don't want to die, but you just need a bit of help and support to work through it. I'm not going to pretend it'll work out perfectly, but I think it is vital you try. Hiding this will make it all worse- and if those thoughts start occurring more frequently or stop appearing to be bad ideas, or if you find yourself losing control when emotions run high... Get help.

  • 19 months ago
  • 2 points

We actually had a pretty decent talk later last night which broke through to some of the issues. That was nice.

  • 19 months ago
  • 2 points

An encouraging first step.

  • 19 months ago
  • 1 point

It definitely made me see where she was coming from. She was more upset at the way I put it than the thought itself, if that makes sense. And, looking retrospectively, I can see what she means.

  • 19 months ago
  • 2 points

Yeah. Sometimes I feel like I stepped on a lego as well. But it's not like the lego gets imprinted in your foot forever. Just brush it off and keep going. :)

  • 19 months ago
  • 1 point

I turn to God whenever I feel this way.

[comment deleted]
  • 19 months ago
  • 2 points

I think you're right. I don't think she is trying to be selfish at all. I think she's getting angry to cope with it. I just wish she'd talk wtih me about it. But, it's probably a pretty hard thing to bring yourself to talk about with an important person in your life.

I hate to sound opposed to counseling, but I don't feel as though I need it. I think I've managed to address the problems in my life and that I've begun to work on them in a healthy and productive way. But, I definitely need to talk occasionally with someone without getting advice. Just open ear, you know? Thought I would have gotten that with my wife but I think it's too much for her to handle. I definitely appreciate the offer to talk and I'll likely take you up on that sometime if you aren't opposed to it.

[comment deleted]
[comment deleted by staff]
[comment deleted]

Sort

add arrow-down arrow-left arrow-right arrow-up authorcheckmark clipboard combo comment delete discord dots drag-handle dropdown-arrow errorfacebook history inbox instagram issuelink lock markup-bbcode markup-html markup-pcpp markup-cyclingbuilder markup-plain-text markup-reddit menu pin radio-button save search settings share star-empty star-full star-half switch successtag twitch twitter user warningwattage weight youtube