- 19 months ago
So...I've suffered from depression for a while. It's come with ups and downs. Most of it was stemmed from a deep-rooted anxiety which led to me making many bad decisions with both my family and my finances. A lot of this anxiety, stress, and depression stems from where I am and the lack of entertainment, good career paths, lack of quality education for my son. Now, recently I have made leaps and bounds dealing with it. I was able to put a great deal of progress with my anxiety oddly enough by taking LSD. I can't quite explain how it helped, but I was able to work through a lot of the issues that I had pushed out of conscious thought.
That being said, it was a tool among others in making steps towards putting this behind me. Recently, I have had an acute situation arise which brought back some of that anxiety. But, it wasn't near as bad as it had been in the past and I felt I was better able to put my nose to the grindstone and work towards solutions to the acute problem. And, that did work. My anxiety from the situation passed quite quickly, I felt good about working out a solution, and I think that I'm in a better place after this kind of event than I would have been a year ago.
So, I felt like talking to my mother about the situation. I told her how if I were here in the same place next year having made no progress, I'd want to put a bullet in my head. She....was not happy. I went on to tell her I've felt like this off and on for a few years now and that I'd not told her to spare her feelings. Now, I'd like to say I NEVER intend to kill myself. That's not the point. I wasn't saying it to be metaphorical, and I wasn't saying to get a reaction from her. I was saying it because I do occasionally feel like that. That's not to say that I don't want to live far more than I want to die (I actually want to live forever - nanites - for another discussion). But, I don't feel like most people go through life 20% wanting to die and 80% wanting to live. I tried to elaborate this to elaborate this to her, and I think she understood where I was coming from. The call ended well.
Fast forward to me talking with my wife....Now, she'd known I've felt this way in the past. But, she asked what I talked to my mother about and I openly told her, and I told her I feel a lot better for getting that off my chest. She did not take it well. She calls me selfish for feeling that way and wished I wouldn't have told her. Now, I get that the act of suicide is selfish in a way, especially if you have a child like I do. But, I don't feel like 'thinking' of suicide is selfish. I was just being honest with how I felt. Now we are in a pretty big fight. She doesn't want me to talk with her anymore tonight. I have to be honest here, I lost a lot of respect for her reaction. I completely understand nobody wants to hear this from their significant other, but wouldn't it be better to hear about it and help them work through it or understand where it comes from rather than jsut not talk about it at all? I don't know...I'm conflicted.
Has anyone here (if open to talk about it) had similar feelings? Have you talked with friends or family about it? If so, how did the talk go and do you feel better for having had it?
Important note: I have no intentions of killing myself.